nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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