I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
