Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
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