you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
