i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
