yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I booty called her while she was in labor.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
