the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i out mim tonsoeep
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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