I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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