apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
