ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
