Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
