You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
