It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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