yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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