this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
