bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
