New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
