Can i not drive my cunt home
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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