Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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