Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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