It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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