Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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