Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
