you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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