If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
