Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
