I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
