I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
