Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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