I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
