Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
