I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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