So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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