Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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