I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
