I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize