I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
