I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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