My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
