will power is for people who don't want to get laid
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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