I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
