i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
