Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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