I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
