I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
