I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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