i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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