sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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