How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
