SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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