I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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