Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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