I cannot find my penis.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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