so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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